hi, hello and other various greetings [7:18 am / 2.10.2004] A couple nights ago, a friend of mine asked me how I feel different from when he first met me up until now. I was twelve when I met him. Well ofcourse, the only reason why I feel like a young adult is because I'm sixteen going on seventeen. My teenage years are almost over. And now I am about ready to be an adult. Trust me, most of the sixteen year olds that I know don't even act the way I do. And it's true that I'm still a young buck, but still. Looking back at thirteen really showed me how immature, stupid and naive I've been in the past. And don't sit there either and think that I'm saying this because I've had my heart broken. It goes beyond some stupid "infatuation." It goes beyond all those "life altering" drama scenes that occur in someone's teenage life. There's so much more to what I'm saying than all the failures that occurred last year. A year ago, I was living it up. Not answering to anyone but myself. I was going to a new school in a whole different country and slowly getting adjusted. (Adjustment didn't happen until the last trimester) I was away from my parents for the longest time. I was in and out of "love" with the snap of my fingers, with promises to my friends that "this guy would be different." I was slowly getting out of control. My responsibility level was screwed, and even though I seemed mature to everyone who saw me, I was still this little girl in a big girl role, wanting and needing to find that one spark to tell me that I'm screwing up, and I needed to start shaping up. To my dismay, that sign was a guy. Eddie Arcilla, the infamous. BAS-TARD! If you have been a regular visitor to my site, you know of this Eddie Arcilla, and I know that sometimes it seems like I'm not over him yet, trust me, I AM. But it took him, whisking me away from my almost second chance with boyfriend #4 and FUCKING ME OVER BIG TIME to realize that I was out of control. I was unhappy. Life turned into a routine. School, mope, and occasionally see my friends. I didn't know it at the time, but I think I was sort of depressed. Life was passing me by, and it seemed as though no matter how hard I tried, I could not be happy. But he later half of 2002 showed my eagerness to find myself. I wanted to be happy, and I wanted that happiness to come from no one but me. I refused to let someone else control my emotions again. I wanted to be in control of my feelings, but I didn't know how to go about that. Then the beginning of a new era in my life started and everything just clicked. And to my amazement, I was enjoying school more. I was making more friends. I was concentrating on the important things like school instead of worrying about love and other trivial things that used to take over my train of thought like a bum rush. And it's funny, because in the course of a trimester I went from this depressed lonely artificial "I'm okay" girl, to this content, curious girl, eager to learn more and more about herself each day- and essentially that's what it's all about, me. No one else matters right now, but me and I know it may sound shallow but for all my life, I've done everything everyone else wanted me to do. Now i'm not like that anymore. I'm more vocal about my opinions whether it be to my parents or to my relatives. I say how I feel. Because it's not about making others happy anymore, it's all about me. That's the difference between twelve and sixteen. I wrote that a few years back, hoping you'd get a little insight on the person I am now. So, post a comment if you want and I'll add you if I like you. Obviously I'm new to this livejournal thing. Thank you, Cici. I have missed you dearly. I LOVE YOU! :) 5 comment

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